he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
