she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I will be naked everywhere
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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