If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
