Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
