i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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