i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
