Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
