i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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