I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
