well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
