saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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