You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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