Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
