We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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