he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
it's like iHOP with fire
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think I just sharted jello shots
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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