i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
