I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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