Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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