I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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