Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
