I think I died a long time ago.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
