I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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