I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
