Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
