summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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