The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
