So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
