Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
