There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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