I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
