Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
