thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
two words: eviction party
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
