pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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