my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
