It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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