do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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