i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
