you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
