textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
