Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
