trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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