i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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