a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
