Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
