We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
