Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
