you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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