I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
