I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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