this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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