I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Boobs speak an international language.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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