the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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