Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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