watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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