Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
