what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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