I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize