I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
