"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
