Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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