Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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