I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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