Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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