i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
